LOVE

For what I call love,
Is when two souls coalescing
Pouring out emotions
Purity
Naked from the heart with no chrysalis
White iris identity

For what I call love,
Is when two adoring mutually
Projecting affection
Fiery
Warmth portrayed majestically
Yellow iris identity

For what I call love,
Is when two lights turned grey
Fabricated as it fades
Honesty
Vitiated by cacophony
Iris of false serenity

JOKER - my POV

It's morning now and this is the rarest act I have ever done; writing at 8 a.m.

Good morning :)

                Last midnight, I spent my not-so-precious 2 hours and 2 minutes (since I didn't really have anything to do) to watch the film JOKER (2019). As we all know, this film was on trending since its first day showing in cinema across the globe. And we all know what it's about. I guess. Unless you were born before the 20th century. (If you are, feel free to google it up)

                So, based on the storyline, the backstory of his life, and his situation. There was really no one to blame except the rudeness and how insensitive people were in the movie. He was surrounded by the negative acts which constantly affecting him in the harshest way. Considering his condition coping with mental illness, no wonder he could throw such a rage.

                 These days on social media, especially after the film was released, a lot of audiences have acknowledged the struggles that Arthur (Joker's real name in the film) have gone through and compassionately understand why Joker was born. But there were several people who were posting all this quote saying "just because you were wronged, you shouldn't become a bad guy” or “don’t be like Joker, we should be like our Prophet Muhammad” – referring to the film JOKER. I completely understand where these so-called quotes came from. I won’t disagree for we should never seek for a revenge or act violently towards those who’ve wronged us but, from my take, these statements were nothing but a pointless, faulty comparison.

                Here’s why. First of all, Arthur, for all we know, suffered from mental illness- by all means, his judgement was impaired. On the other hand, our Prophet Muhammad from what I know, did not portray what JOKER was suffering from. So, it was unjust to make up a comparison as such.

                From the film, all I can say is, “if only humans were a lot nicer”. “If only they would take a moment to read the small card Arthur had with him to explain his condition”. “If only he was not wronged”. “If only he did not have a mental illness”. Note that he had not hurt anybody until he was beaten up by the guys on the subway. From all the bullying, isolation, discrimination and unfairness he faced, we can tell why he finally acted out like that. It was all built up from the start – hatred and anger.

                Mental illness is broad. Sometimes, the condition can be very distinct from what we know. Hence, judgements. People judge things that are different. I wasn’t just referring to the film but our society now too. For those with mental illness, I know it was scary to live life back then, and it is still scary to live life even now.

                I hope humans of all kind can take a positive take on this film. Be nice J That’s the least you can do for someone with mental illness- for someone like him. 

               

I WONDER

I wonder

am i sad?

am i happy?

what am i feeling?

why do my tears fall

when there's no reason to

why does my heart aches

there's absolutely no reason to

am i wrong?

am i right?

questions I've been asking to the universe

for i do what seems to be wrong

but feels like the right move

for i hurt myself countlessly

with no pain nor guilt for my body

what am i?

who am i?

who was i?

I am lost in this cold space

not knowing in what form am i wandering

not knowing when it all started

how did i get this far?

I wonder

FEAR

have you ever woke up one morning

and feel like you're tired of fighting

feeling hopeless like you were nothing

hiding from the fear of lightning

only though if you know what I'm fear of

it's not of what surrounds me

or what physically burdens me

but of the demons inside of me

if only you could see through my eyes

then you'll see beneath my thoughts

how shattered my heart is

I promise you it won't look pretty

it's something that i can't control

so

don't tell me to be strong

don't tell me to ignore them all

for I can't help it

I don't even know who i am anymore

NOTHINGNESS

Nothingness. 

           That is how I feel at this moment. Like a dense cloud wanting to pour down, but in my case, it doesn’t. It stays as it is. Heavy. Stuck. Unreleased.

 I see colours but as I walk closer, all I see is grey. In between darkness and purity. Black and white. Grey.

Why am I feeling this way? A question that I’ve been asking my whole life. I somehow know where to find the answer, but I hesitated. Will God still wanting to accept me in his Heaven? What am I? Where should I stand? I want to know. When did it all started? How did I get this far?

 As the days passing by, I am losing myself more and more. Don’t feel like talking, socializing is hard, eating is a hard work, sleeping is an extra effort, living is a challenge.

Am I even alive? Why can’t I bring myself to do what other humans are doing effortlessly? They can be happy filling their stomach, feeding their hunger but why can’t I? They get energized in the morning after a long comfy sleep but why can’t I? Am I even alive?