NOTHINGNESS

Nothingness. 

           That is how I feel at this moment. Like a dense cloud wanting to pour down, but in my case, it doesn’t. It stays as it is. Heavy. Stuck. Unreleased.

 I see colours but as I walk closer, all I see is grey. In between darkness and purity. Black and white. Grey.

Why am I feeling this way? A question that I’ve been asking my whole life. I somehow know where to find the answer, but I hesitated. Will God still wanting to accept me in his Heaven? What am I? Where should I stand? I want to know. When did it all started? How did I get this far?

 As the days passing by, I am losing myself more and more. Don’t feel like talking, socializing is hard, eating is a hard work, sleeping is an extra effort, living is a challenge.

Am I even alive? Why can’t I bring myself to do what other humans are doing effortlessly? They can be happy filling their stomach, feeding their hunger but why can’t I? They get energized in the morning after a long comfy sleep but why can’t I? Am I even alive?